Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus

Developed by MachineGames, Published by Bethesda, and ported to the Nintendo Switch by Panic Button, Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus greeted Switch owners on June 29, 2018 with Nazi-killing, first-person-shooter action.

Sometimes, a game fills you with great feelings of apathy. It's not terrible, so you can't work up the energy to slag it, but it's not great, so you can't work up the energy to praise it. I beat Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus three months ago. Here, today, is my review, written in the only way in which I could work up enthusiasm.

Remember your male classmates when they were 13? Remember how badly they sucked?

Imagine if those 13-year-olds were very competent at video game programming, and they created a first-person shooter. This review is told through their act of creation

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Hey you pussies! Let's make a game where you shoot lots of people! But like, bad people. Well, everyone hates Nazis right, or at least, is supposed to hate Nazis? Let's make them the bad guys. But like, the main one has to be a lady, cuz ladies are the scariest. Except for the main good guy's wife, she's the best. She can like, shoot guns and stuff, and she has gigantic big boobs, but like, in this one she's pregnant, so like, her boobs are even bigger and filled with milk, and we can like, show em all the time, like she sleeps naked, and sometimes when she's fighting, like her shirt can burn off and show her boobs, and she'll be killing so many bad guys, and blood will be spraying all over her, and all over her giant boobs. Hold on, I gotta go to the bathroom.

Her top burning off is so important to the story, you guys!

Wait, though, like black people are in things now, we gotta put one of them in. Aren't black people like, all badass, and talk jive, and like say things like "motherfucker" all the time, like "Make me a motherfuckin sandwich right now, motherfucker?" Uh, oh, did my mom hear me say that...no, she's on Instagram right now, okay, good, never mind. Anyway, yeah, and women are in, so like, we could have this black chick, with like, a cool afro, and she can be all badass, but you won't like, be her, cuz you have to be this big football dude, but like he doesn't hardly talk, but when he does, it's like he's a poet or something cuz chicks like that and everyone loves him and he is so badass. Some people might think poems are lame, though, so make sure his voice is all low and grumbly so nobody can understand him.

He speaks louder with bullets. Damn. That's deep!

Awesome, so like, their homebase with all their friends could be like, a submarine, or something, and when you're in between missions, you'll like, be on the submarine. All the friends are like, those hippy rebel people from Grandpa's time that he won't stop talking about, and how they changed the world or something. Guys, this is gonna be so awesome, holy shit!
So then, like, you go on the missions, and you kill Nazi's and stuff. For some reason, let's put the first few missions in like, tight, confusing corridors, but then later we can make them bigger and cooler, like if New York got destroyed by a nuclear bomb or if New Orleans got destroyed by a nuclear bomb. And you only get, like, a set amount of guns cuz too many guns is confusing, right? But we can hide weapon upgrades all over the levels, and you can like, get scopes and bigger magazines, and all other kinds of badass shit, you guys.
And then, when you use them to kill the Nazis, it'll be so violent, like, blood will be shooting everywhere, and guts, and like, headshots are an instant kill and blood will spray everywhere. Hold on, I gotta go to the bathroom.

This leg wound is making me feel funny.

Okay, so like, you'll go on missions and do stuff to fight Nazis, cuz they like, took over the whole world and everything and stuff, so you do stuff on the missions, but really you just want to kill all the Nazi's. Nazi's suck and everyone hates them, so we can like, kill them all we want, and do the most messed up stuff to them, and they can do the most messed up stuff, too, because they're Nazis and they're evil and you have to show that stuff and be real. This is just like real life!

And we can put the KKK in there. People hate them, too, right?

Music's not that important, so we won't worry too much about that, but we can hide all these like, secret old songs in German all around the game...we can hide all kinds of random bonus stuff! Yeah, old-sounding songs cuz this game will take place in the 50's, or 60's, or 70's, or something, I don't know, some time after World War II, when the Nazi's take over. The important thing is that the guns are really loud and sound like really loud guns, they have to so you can feel it.
Let's not like, make it to where you can just go to any level you want after you beat the game either, like you have to do this stuff in the submarine and the other levels to do that, or something, I don't know. You'll just kill a bunch of Nazi's. We can just like, use the same controls from all the other shooting games, where you just like, run with one joystick and strafe or sidestep with the other, and it will be fine. And you can pull the trigger-button to shoot and push top buttons to throw your grenades and use your scope and stuff. Yeah.

All these guys on 4Chan have been telling me that he wasn't actually that bad of a guy, and he had a few good ideas. One of them is a 10th grader!

We can put it on the Switch cuz that has handheld, and you can play it in the car whenever mom is driving around looking for dad. The graphics won't be as good as like, on PS4 or XBox or anything, but they'll be fine and just a little blurry sometimes, and you'll never have to share them cuz they're not on the TV like PS4 and XBox, unless you really want them to be, and your annoying sister isn't watching like Shimmer and Shine or something.
Awesome, you guys, this game is gonna be supercool and badass. I think we did a great job. Let's go push Aiden in the locker, and then make fun of Addison for having no boobs. She's so flat! Hold on, I gotta go to the bathroom.

SCORE: 7.5/10